What exactly is this ? Is it a way of me trying to ease the thoughts in my mind? Is it a cautionary tale ? Is it a mass of raw emotions vying to get out? To me i suppose it’s all of those and more. I don’t expect sympathy or pity as a result of this piece, because let’s be honest I don’t deserve it. I did the unthinkable the day I fell in love even if I didn’t know it at the beginning.

During the last few days I have become aware of the phrase ‘disenfranchised grief’ , this resonates deeply with me. Loving someone you shouldn’t is fraught with all sorts of stigmas and challenges, but the passing of someone you shouldn’t love is a whole new level of pain and heartache.

Have you ever met someone and felt like they are the person you’ve been waiting and hoping to meet your whole life ? That is the way I felt , still feel , about him. Big, strong , the person that can make any bad situation better. The person who can make you light up with a smile. A simple pub lunch with them is like dining at the finest restaurant. Having a person like that in your life just seems to add more joy and meaning.

Once I learned that I was the much maligned other woman I knew my involvement with him was very much secondary to his relationship with his family. Rightly so, he loved them so much, I never expected or asked for his marriage to end , I never asked him if he would ever leave, his wife loves him and he loved her. I accepted the situation, I love him and he made me so happy, I will always be grateful for the time I shared with him.

Don’t think though reader that both he and I didn’t try and do the ‘right thing’ and end it between us over the years. We did several times , but we’d always feel pulled back together, like there was some sort of magnetic force at play, that we couldn’t ignore. We both felt the guilt acutely but we seemed to need each other.

This writing is all I can think to do , the last thing I want to do is cause further pain for his family. I don’t want to tarnish their memories of him. He was such a good man , he used to roll his eyes at me when I told him he was a good man, but he was. He didn’t want to hurt anyone, neither of us did , but we are flawed , people are flawed. I should have been stronger and walked away , but to my shame I didn’t.

I know I deserve every last scrap of the agony I feel now, its my punishment but dear god it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

I wish I could fast forward to a time when this pain will ease a little and I can remember without breaking down. Yet more than that I wish I could rewind and rewrite the narrative, stop all this shit happening. Sadly that’s not real life sadly it’s this shit show.

What do you do when the sky is falling in ?

I’m f@#&ed if I know 💔xx

Girl-Almighty