Ebb and flow is the perfect idiom to describe grief, one moment it’s a huge tidal wave pulling you under, suffocating you, another moment it’s just feeling completely numb. Grief is also a hugely individual experience.

For me at the moment disbelief is massive part of it, several times a day it’s almost like I have to remind myself that he’s gone. I just can’t seem to get it to sink in that I’m never going to see him again, that the rest of my life will be without him. It feels so unreal that the person described as “a pedestrian ” in social media posts is him , the man i love. Within about half a second of the day beginning it’s there, the tight pain in my throat and chest, the sadness, the tears that flow freely throughout the day. Grief has no qualms about making you look like a knobhead in public. I seem to fall apart everywhere I go , maybe I’m losing my mind. It does feel like I’m holding on by my fingertips. Would it be easier to just free fall ? My head won’t link him with the accident sometimes, I can’t believe that was what life had planned for him. He was so big and strong, I’m finding it so hard to accept this is how it has ended for him. Not him , larger than life , he deserved more.

Grief is so isolating as well, I feel like some kind of social leper. I get it people might not know what to say , they may think I should be over it or maybe they just don’t give a shit. Whatever, it makes you feel worse.

Grief affects you not only mentally but physically as well, for me it’s also affected my job , I can’t face going back. I’ll never forget when his name came up on the whiteboard and my legs gave way . Sometimes I close my eyes and remember the way he used to put his big strong arms around me and pull me close for a hug, the side of my face pressed against his chest. It felt like the safest place in the whole world.

People say take one day at a time, I can’t do one day at a time, I have to break it into one minute at a time, and that’s hard enough. Right now it feels like this pain will never ease , that this is the way now, just feeling broken by the loss of him, feeling the agony of his absence that will never be filled. I can’t get a GP appointment until July, and I’m not eligible for 1-2-1 bereavement counselling until three months has passed. So for now I guess all I can do is cry for him and replay our memories in my mind, talk to him and remember him (as if I could ever forget him , and try and get through each day. It’s bloody hard though.

💔🥺😢

Girl-Almighty