Hi Nige, 

I came across the term ‘grief fatigue ‘ the other day and I guess it sums up how I feel. I’m really tired of feeling so terrible all the time. All my emotions are jumbled up inside , I miss you , I can’t seem to come to terms with the fact you’ve gone , I’m so bloody angry. I want to scream and shout , and yet despite your son telling me how disrespectful and vile I am there are still things I just can’t write here out of loyalty to you. Honestly though part of me just wants to get it all out , it’s acceptable for him to rant at me and have a go, to try and nullify the way i feel and I’m just supposed to sit back. People think they have a right to comment on the way I’m feeling , and actually try and tell me what I’m allowed to feel. Un-fucking-believable. They don’t have to like that you were seeing me , however they don’t get to try and re-write my history with you to fit their narrative. The thought of getting back out into the world and living life just seems a little obscene to me now you’ve gone. It’s a step i haven’t been able to take yet. It would feel wrong to enjoy anything now your life is over, does that make sense ? It hurts me that during your last months you were struggling with panic attacks and stuff . Do you remember when you told that you were stood in your back garden at two in the morning and you were scared you were having an heart attack ? Seeing you so stressed out broke my heart. There should have been so much more happiness waiting for you. Sometimes I’ll be out somewhere and I think I see you and then I realise that it can’t be you . Been getting a bit more shit , same turns of phrase your son used in messages on x in the summer and I don’t believe in coincidences. To think when you were on one about them, I’d play devil’s advocate. This is all one massive nightmare babe. How has life come to this ? I’m sorry for being pissed off but sometimes life just bubbles over, love always.

Girl Almighty