It’s coming up to the year mark of Nigel’s passing and I’m still trying to get my head around it all. Sometimes,  even after all these months , it hits me again that he’s really gone. I know that sounds stupid , but it’s almost like it’s all been a nightmare and he’s still here , living his life. Sometimes I think there are things I’ll tell him or ask him when I see him, but then I remember that I’m not going to see him. I still sometimes wish I had someone to talk to about him , to remember him with. I’m confident to say that this has been the most difficult time of my life. There hasn’t been a single day  since the accident that I haven’t cried over him. So many different emotions jockeying for position in my head,  coupled with things I’d been told and my own thoughts of different scenarios of the moments directly around the accident.  They torture me. The very thought of him hurt, in pain , scared, suffering,  breaks me. I never thought grief could feel this terrible for this length of time.  To be told I had no right to grieve was hard, to be pulled apart hurt me, I’m not going to lie. When I met him I found someone I could completely be myself with, it just felt so natural and easy. He gave me strength and confidence,  don’t get me wrong inevitably there were bad times as well , but then nothing is perfect. Nobody is going to be everyone’s type,  even the beautiful people spread across social media, the ones made ‘perfect ‘ with filters , well applied make up , cosmetic procedures and the most flattering camera angles. Yet in him I found someone who made me light up, he made me feel desirable,  happy , safe, understood. I know there are people who will mock that,  question it too. I miss every aspect of what we shared and it’s hard trying to accept that I’ll never share those things with him again. Also that there will never be any comfort in anyone else. Nobody would ever be able to replace him, and it would just feel so wrong to be with anyone else. Such is the impact Nigel left on my life. So here I am in this limbo.I know he and I should never have happened,  but our story was far from straightforward. We were always drawn back to each other no matter what, and we always gave into it.The irony isn’t lost on me ,that during this most difficult time , the person who was my rock isn’t here, yet if he was here life wouldn’t be the mess it is now. I was sat the other day , my mind just drifting,  and the realisation hit me that I don’t want to grow old now he’s gone. There are still things about us I won’t write about and I’m not sure I ever will. I’ll be forever lost without him , and he’ll always be the man I adore with all my heart. He was my King and I worshipped him. I miss so many things,  laid together our noses touching,  smiling , laughing,  talking. I miss being encompassed in one of his hugs , the side of my face pressed against his chest. I miss the scent of him, the taste of him, the feel of him. I miss the gentle moments and the passionate ones. I miss it all, every single piece of our shared story. I wasn’t prepared for it to end like this , but my love for him will never wane, of that I’m sure

💔

Girl Almighty