Evening Nigel,

Today has felt strange,  you know when everything feels off kilter, not quite right . I’ve felt very scared today , I can feel myself getting down. I think I need to try and get outdoors , get some fresh air and busy myself. I’m trying to lose weight , but your voice is always there , what you used to say, ” Don’t lose anymore weight ” . The worst thing is you didn’t say it because you liked me big. It took you a long time to admit why you’d say it to me , but eventually you did. Sometimes words stick though , sometimes words form bonds that are hard to break. Today’s date marks one year since everything started to fall apart. One year , sometimes it feels unbelievable that it’s been that long. Other times it feels like I’ve been broken and crying forever. I’ve put away the things you liked me to wear , it’s too upsetting to see them, but I don’t feel able to throw them away. I’m in such a mess without you around. I’m starved of someone to talk to and of physical touch , it’s difficult,  people aren’t designed to be alone. Sometimes I want to shout at you “bloody 46 , and you couldn’t get across the road safely ” , I don’t mean it though. It’s pure frustration that you’re gone when you really should still be here , it was all so unnecessary. Half a lifetime thrown away in seconds. Remember when I used to say to you , “you’ll be a Grandad before you know it” , and you’d say “I better fucking not be ” , I  used to say back “shut up , you’d love it , kicking a ball about with a little grandson “. You just wanted your kids to experience loads of life before settling down. I wish you were here to experience more of your life , there should have been so many more chapters to your story. Gonna go now , bloody tears again , silly bitch that I am. Night , night sweetheart,  love you 💔😢

Girl Almighty