Well  today,  by the skin of my teeth, I’ve dodged having to have a blood transfusion. I’m taking that as a win , I may need one later, but I’ll cross that bridge if and when I get to it.

I need to start taking better care of myself , and I’m trying to , one step at a time. Today I maintained weight wise , but that is better than a gain. Currently I’m at one stone lost in total , I’m aiming to get back to a total loss of two and a half stone, and then I’ll carry on from there.

Mentally I still need to do a lot, my lowest point was in December,  I felt really, really low, lonely , guilty. I’d planned to end it , it was the thought of J without me that stopped me going through with it. Everything was weighing very heavily on me. I felt guilty for upsetting Nigel’s son , and I still feel guilty because I knew how much he loved the bones of his son.  I felt lost without him and still do. I wasn’t sure that I’d ever divulge what I’ve just wrote, but my blog was always intended to be a little cathartic. It was always intended to be a release , an outlet.

The guilt is ever present, it just doesn’t sit right to think of taking any joy from any activity. A handful of times I’ve tried to give myself sexual pleasure, but I end up thinking of Nigel , and it feels wrong and I feel dirty for doing it, and I cry for him. Sorry if that’s a little too much information, but I’m a human being with needs just like everyone else. All I want is a cuddle more than anything I really crave that.

Girl Almighty