Hi Nige,

I’ve taken quite a bit of time writing this. When I’ve become emotional during writing this I’ve stopped and continued later.

I really don’t know why I’m in such a mess sixteen months after you passed away. I don’t know why it still feels as intense as it did the first day. I never believed grief could feel this terrible for such a long time. It’s not as if I haven’t experienced the loss of people I’ve loved before, when it’s older generations though, you sort of know it’s coming as they age. Laurie’s death was a real shock,  you don’t expect to lose your closest friend when you’re in your early twenties with the majority of your life still laid out before you. When I found out she’d gone I didn’t eat for five days, my appetite just disappeared. In a strange sort of way I felt a little better after I’d seen her in the Chapel, I spent a couple of hours with her ,talking to her  and I kissed her forehead before I left. When I found out about Laurie i got that sore, hard lump in my throat and that sick feeling in my stomach.  Those same feelings came back with you,  but they haven’t left me this time.

One of the hardest things , when  your accident happened was that I couldn’t even try and help you, I couldn’t look after you and care for you. I’ve helped care for so many people’s loved ones, yet when it was someone that was so important to me I couldn’t do anything for you. I wasn’t allowed to , but I would have if I could have. I really struggled with that , and I still feel a huge sense of guilt about it.

There are times when it all feels so unreal that you’re no longer here. You were a big presence,  not just physically,  but in every aspect. My memories of you, and of us, make me smile, but they make me so very sad as well. I really miss our talks, I miss everything else too of course. Last year your son questioned why you would talk to me , but talk to me you did about many things. You used to say you were glad you could talk to me about anything and you knew I’d never judge you. I never did , even though sometimes the things you needed to talk about were hard to hear. No doubt to some I’m being disrespectful writing , but honestly some people have shown such hypocrisy,  people you told me never bothered with you when you were here , I’m supposed to respect their feelings. There is no regard for my feelings,  just because they don’t like the choices YOU made. You made the choice to have me in your life,  you wanted me in your life, and not because I was blackmailing you. I don’t know what I found the most pitiful about that, you for  coming up with such a lame excuse to explain your behaviour or her for believing it. It was never a case of waiting for you , it was a case of accepting because I knew life was better with you in it, something I now know to be one hundred percent true now you’re gone.

My love for you is no less than anyone else’s,  people think I can’t love you as much as they do.  Sometimes things were really shitty between us but it never lasted. You’d show up and apologise, sometimes they’d be tears (mine and yours), you were just so bloody loveable. I fell for you so hard, I’d never met anyone like you,  that made me feel the way you did. You made me feel so safe , and that was something I’ve always craved. I always wanted to feel looked after, not financially,  I’ve always washed my own face when it comes to money. You’d always be trying to pay for my waxing appointments, your reasoning being that you loved it, but I paid for my own appointments before we were seeing each other and I really didn’t care for anything material or financial.  I loved you for you,  and still do now. Although I treasure the ring you bought me for my birthday.

I wish I could do little things , small pleasures , we so often take for granted,  but it just doesn’t feel right. Everyday is another day you should be here living your life, it’s just all the things you’re missing. If I could have seen you at the end I would have told you how much I love you , one last time , and I would have kissed your nose the way I used to. There are no words to describe how much I miss you,  but every part of me misses every part of you every second of every day. Always.

I love you so much , you beautiful man 💔

Girl Almighty