Morning,  up at 5:30am and had the best bit of sleep I’ve had in a while , completely down to the alcohol and my medication I’m sure. I’ll take the little wins wherever I can. Going to have a little clear out later , so much stuff I don’t need anymore. Also I must try and not be a greedy bitch today,  easier said than done,  but I keep having a go. It would be nice if my head would just click back into the whole eating well thing. March 2023 I started back at fat camp , and I was proper on it , I lost two and a half stone by the end of April and then it all went a bit wrong. On Friday I went to a random fat camp class to get weighed , as I haven’t been for a few weeks,  and I wanted to know how much timber I’ve chucked on. Well what can I say , it was like something from Royston Vasey (if you know , you know). First thing you had to walk through a gym to get to the class , and I mean actually walk THROUGH the gym , up close and personal with the size 8 gym bunnies doing their thing, talk about walk of shame. The room the class was in was dark , save for the one wall that was floor to ceiling mirror,  which you were facing while you waited to stand on the sad step. To add insult to injury,  the door that exited the room had some strange film that covered it , it was like a fun house mirror which made you look even fatter. I was pissing myself,  which is probably why they had a basket with Tena  lady pads in the toilets. After being  weighed I went straight for a burger 🍔, so all in all not the greatest start to trying to get back on it.

Still missing the big un’,  yeah he could be a total arsehole sometimes,  I put up with far more shit from him than I ever should have, but I still hopelessly loved him , still do. As fucked up as that is , and I know it is. I still get angry with him sometimes,  any wrong doing he ever did has all been swept aside now. As much as I love him I just can’t view it all with some false idea of perfection,  that’s just not me , I can’t kid myself , I can’t tell myself it was all some nonexistent fairy tale. The truth is there were some unsavoury parts , even though I didn’t like them I made the decision to live with them. Something near the end made me think that he was aware that things were slipping for him , and no man admits to what he did if it’s not true. He was embarrassed by it , his whole body language showed how uncomfortable he was talking about it , even though he volunteered the information up himself. I felt pity for him then,  I hated feeling that way about him. It still gets me now. The big , strong man I adored just starting to crumble a little.

Girl Almighty