Evening ,

So Nige, I’ve been trying to formulate a plan to improve every aspect of my life. There are so many changes I need to make and tasks I need to do , I’ve decided to break it right down into stages. Hopefully I’ll reach a point when everything feels a little more together , a little more settled. Initially the big things are finding a way to live with the grief I still feel about you, getting to a healthier place with my weight and looking at the career side of things. All feel like huge tasks to be honest but small steps are better than standing still. I’m still waiting for cognitive behaviour therapy which I’m hoping will really help my state of mind. I still have hopes of making a fresh start career wise , but I think the main thing at the moment is not to rush or put undue pressure on myself. It will take as long as it takes and I’m taking it in very short periods of time.

The nights are getting lighter and the weather a little warmer , that lifts me a little but it also makes me sad that you’re  not experiencing those little routine things. I’m not sure it will ever stop feeling unbelievable that you’re really gone. The thought of you triggers so many emotions, counsellors have suggested things I need to do regarding you and my feelings around you. I‘m not sure I feel strong enough yet though.

So many things about you haunt my thoughts, and I long for a little bit of calm. I want to write about them here , but it feels too much and the uncontrollable tears threaten and I have to stop. Maybe I’ll try to compose a post , slowly , piece by piece.

As always missing you enormously,  there’s always something that sparks a memory of you, and it still hurts so very much .

As you used to say to me, night, night , speak to you soon xx

Girl Almighty