Alright,

I’ve been thinking about things a lot, I read the messages I had from your son the other day. I know I shouldn’t go over those things but sometimes going back over all the shit is like a scab you can’t stop picking.

There are bits that still annoy me, a lot of what ifs. You know , what if I hadn’t decided to dip my toes into dating again , what if you hadn’t made a profile , what if you hadn’t lied on your profile. You saying you were separated and getting divorced, that wasn’t great. To then have all the blame about you and I put on me is bollocks. Sometimes I feel so very angry with you for the position I’ve been left in. All the times I was there for you , I feel like a fool. Sacrifices I made to give you what you wanted,  you always came first and that sometimes came at a very high price for me. I know it’s going to be a difficult few months , the anniversary of your death and ten year anniversary of our baby’s due date. It still hurts even now , I was going to call our baby Jude, one of the very few things I never told you. You really hurt me then you know, but you turned up back at mine and I forgave you. I loved you so much and I still do. Now it feels like I’m just standing still while the days drift by, it’s not the best way to exist.

Love you always , even if it would be easier if I didn’t 💔

Girl Almighty