Hi Sausage ,

I’ve been a proper bitch this week , over tired , over emotional and I definitely haven’t wanted to people. Last night I curled up with a takeaway and a cozy crime novel, which kind of helped. Nothing quite does the job as well as one of your squidges though, but if you were still alive I wouldn’t be feeling angry, and pissed off , and broken and sad.

It’s really changed me, I’m angry with myself , with you , with anyone involved in your accident. I’m angry about the place I’m in now, I’m even angry about feeling angry.

I want some kind of enjoyable existence but wanting that feels wrong. The beautiful sunny days with the fresh white clouds scudding across the sky make me sad , they just make me that little more aware of all the small stuff you’re not living. When your team play I think of you , sometimes you’d message on your way home from the match. I miss you walking into my kitchen while I was cooking and wrapping your arms around me from behind. I miss the way you’d kiss the top of my head. The way you’d make me laugh and smile , the way you made me shine. The time when I was feeling self conscious about myself  and you undressed me and kissed every part of me. I miss stupid , stubborn , loveable, annoying, amazing you. I miss your vulnerable side, your naughty side, your humour , your rants, I miss all of it.

I miss having our conversations,  no subject off bounds , no judgement,  we could talk about anything. You’d often say you wished we’d met years earlier , I wish that too.

It’s strange how life kept putting us in the same place at the same time, even towards almost the very end. I know it’s crazy but maybe we were always supposed to know each other, in some shape or form. Of course there were some truly terrible times, times that really, really hurt me, but there is always rough and smooth in life, but I can’t see an end to this rough patch.I thought I’d weathered the worst when I lost the chance to be a mum again. How wrong I was , your death has only amplified that loss as well, so  sometimes my grief over both of you feels really overwhelming . I’m not sure how to feel better , and I don’t want to feel this bad all the time. Send me a sign.

Love you ❤️ 💔

Girl Almighty