Hey, I’ve been doing so much soul searching,  I think the last few counselling sessions have really brought lots of thing’s to the surface. You know me, I can’t lie to myself, my great nan always said that it’s better to be hurt by the truth than be made happy with a lie. I remember you sitting in mine , you were crying, denying that you were a narcissist,  and I love the very bones of you , but let’s face it you were. You ticked every box. I always wished a better life for you,  a life beyond those characteristics you held. You were always looking for more, you’d often say how unhappy you were with your life, but you’d refuse to try and change things. You claimed you were miserable in your marriage,  you’d say you didn’t want to lose your house, and your kids would have nothing to do with you if you left. You’d say you felt trapped at home. I never expected you to leave , I never asked you to leave, people choose their own path. More times than I care to remember I asked you why you just  wouldn’t open up to your wife, work on your marriage,  but you’d dismiss the suggestion saying you couldn’t open up to her. You chose the easier option of sneaking around and putting on a facade to people. When everything came out in 2021, that was the perfect opportunity for you to be honest . You weren’t though, when you contacted me asking to talk i asked you if you had told the truth,  and you displayed the most obvious psychological tells that you were lying when you told me that you had been totally honest. You spun some unbelievable lies. It made me sad that nothing ever seemed to be enough for you, people constantly searching for more are rarely happy. I desperately wanted you to be happy , truly happy and content  with what you had , regardless of if that included me or not. Would we have ever really, totally cut ties ? When we weren’t talking I saw you driving past mine on multiple occasions,  not a route you’d need to take normally. You didn’t have my new number so you couldn’t ring or text me , so you turned up in person at my door. So contrary to the belief of some that I was the one who controlled you and I,  it was actually very much you in the driving seat, it always was. Even though I saw your flaws,  I still completely fell for you. Those unpalatable traits were not the whole of you , you could be gentle and kind , caring and loving. When work was an absolute nightmare during covid I couldn’t have got through it without the support you gave me. At the end of the day people are complicated , a product of their life experiences from birth until the grave. Moments that shape your life. Events in your life that you’d told me about made it easier to understand why you could be the way you were. It breaks my heart that you passed away at just 46 years of age, still searching , never quite content. I think that’s one of the things that hurts the most. I loved and cared for you so very much , and to this day still do. When your son followed me on Twitter or X or whatever we’re calling it this week , I said to my sister,  he wants to say something or ask something,  and I was right. I understand,  why on earth wouldn’t he hate me ? I’d done wrong by being involved with you , but I should have dealt with it better. It does amaze me though that men involved with other women don’t get viewed in the same way. They don’t seem to have any of the responsibility apportioned to them at all. In all honesty though I can’t regret meeting you,  in spite of everything,  you did give me so much happiness,  and you made bad times feel better, well most of the time. It still feels very surreal that your gone , that your life has been extinguished. It’s strange to know that your smile no longer exists , that your skin no longer feels the warmth of the sun, no pleasure,  no more experiences. Everyday it hits that your time here has ended , it’s still raw and extremely emotional and in my head a montage of images and scenes play in my mind. It weighs on me so heavily,  I’ll never stop wishing that you were still alive. If just one element of that evening had been different then you might still be here.

Love you always

Girl Almighty