Been thinking about lots of stuff lately. Last week I saw my dream home, a real forever home ,whatever forever is. It was always one of my goals. Now I’m not sure I could leave where I am and all the memories it holds.

I feel so unsettled, life feels uncertain and scary right now. I crave that feeling that Nigel brought , that feeling that lifted life and all its ups and downs. I long to just be in companionable silence, to just rest my head and everything feel better. I need that desperately but he’s gone , and I really can’t even imagine feeling that connection with anyone else.

I look at pictures he sent me , some of them from occasions that didn’t include me , like a holiday snap of himself he sent , he looks so handsome. Sometimes I let my fingertips drift across his face , I really,  really miss him. It will be his birthday soon , the third one that he’s missed. It’s so messed up.

Maybe it’s time I started doing some of the things that the counsellor has suggested. I’d really love a hug. Lately I’ve just been going out and wandering around , I feel really lost and overwhelmed , my anxiety is through the roof.

There are still times I feel bad for his son , but then I look at the messages he sent to me  and  remember the other nasty things that have been done and it fades. Sometimes I still feel angry with Nigel , and then I feel bad. I’d just like it to stop tearing me apart. I keep trying to push through the days , keep trying to find a way of living a little bit better.

Girl Almighty