Hello Handsome , so here we are , it’s almost Crimble and another year is almost ending. It’s absolutely insane that this will be the third Christmas you’ve missed. We were never going to have a Christmas day , sometimes in life you have to accept that life is  not going to go the way you hoped and you have to be grateful for and appreciate the little things you do have. I’d say i appreciated you more than you’ll ever know , but you did know , i told you often enough. I will always be enormously grateful that you played a part in my life , even though we did piss each other off sometimes and there were a couple of times you really did hurt me.  I miss your texts and little calls wishing me a Merry Christmas.  Which just goes to prove that sometimes small actions can mean just as much as large showy gestures. I’d love to still be able to spoil you. I’ve ordered some beautiful flowers for you to put on the side, they look almost as beautiful as you.

These last few days it’s really felt like I’ve been going backwards. I’ve felt like I did when you first died , when the doctor told me I was having a breakdown,  when I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I’ve felt awkward and uncomfortable, and i’m having the worst migraine that I’ve had in a while. Sometimes the feelings feel so huge and raw it feels hard to navigate a way through. I still really struggle with feeling guilty,  some of the guilt is understandable but other parts feel unexplainable and irrational. Maybe the emotions around you will always remain the way they are now , you’re missed and loved beyond measure and i feel so bone achingly lonely now you have gone. The feelings that cut deep , knowing that you’ll never again feel the sun on your face, watch your team on a Saturday afternoon , enjoy a pint , hope for more and still hold your dreams. The sand in your timer was running out and nobody knew. It still really , really hurts , and there is no cure for that feeling, it’s just part of everyday.  You’re missed so very , very much darling.

All my love , then , now and always

Girl Almighty