Hey, the excessive shopping has been off the scale this week. I don’t need one single thing that I’ve bought, I’m just doing it to feel good. I need to get an handle on it, I’m going to try and have April and May as no non essential spending months. The thing is buying stuff to feel better , the high is extremely short lived. I hoped that the days staying lighter later and the promise of spring and summer would lift me, but I feel sad that Nigel is missing more and more life with everyday that passes. In the blink of an eye it’ll be three years , three years , sometimes it’s hard to comprehend when  I still can’t quite comprehend that he’s gone.

Not being able to see him or say goodbye to him is something that I still struggle with so much. April / May 2023 , when some of my worst fears became a reality. I feel like I let him down , compounded by the fact that I can’t go back and change anything , I can never make up for things. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind , should I still be feeling like this ? Why do I still feel like this ? Nige thought he was replaceable,  bloody idiot , he’s irreplaceable.

I’m resorting to another tatic of mine to feel good tonight , food, chippy tea it is. I’ll get back on track with the food tomorrow. I’m supposed to be going to see the Gorillaz this coming week, part of me just wants to stay at home. I feel a bit awkward at the minute, the confidence Nigel gave me has long gone.

As bad as I feel , I know I’d feel even worse without the anti- depressants. I’m on the maximum dose so they can’t be raised.I feel tired. I hope for a day where I don’t cry , where it hurts a little bit less , where it feels like there is a little bit of hope. Time for a bit of a read I think,  try and escape out of my head.

Girl Almighty