Nige, so the whole me  thinking about you decaying in your grave thing can be a normal part of grief apparently, who knew ? Did a trusty google search and below is some of the stuff that came up.

Maybe I’m not losing my marbles just yet, although today, while reading them again , I’ve realised that I’ve liked one of your sons delightful messages to me. For fucks sake, what am I like , it’s not like I’m genuinely going to like a message where he’s trying to tell me about things that he was never privy to or present for , and making a veiled , minor threat to me. At one point sausage I did put it out there if there was anything anybody wanted to ask  I’d tell them whatever they wanted to know. Some people would rather just read these blog posts instead , which is cool, at one point I just thought it would save their time to ask what they were hoping to find out.

It’s absolutely insane that the three year mark is almost here. Sometimes random things just pop into my head, for instance the other day I thought,  God this years Tramlines will be the fourth one you haven’t been here for, or it will be a Saturday night and I’ll think , at this time on Saturday 29th April 2023 , you were alright , your accident hadn’t happened yet, you were still fine.

I’m finally accepting that my grief is mine , and everyone’s is different. I don’t need to be made to feel bad for grieving for you , despite your son saying otherwise I do have that right, and there is no time limit to grief, no expiry date. No right way, for some people it’s  getting out there and living. It’s been different for me , not more , or less , just different. I shouldn’t be berated for the way that i’m grieving. The most important thing for me is that you know how much I loved you , and how much I still love you. I couldn’t say goodbye to you and that hurts, it will always hurt.

Been half looking at some properties, nothing big , no point me rattling around somewhere too big is there. It’s a strange  one because as a person you still want to feel that connection with another person but you know it can never be. The person you held on a pedestal,  loved unconditionally,  adored , they’re gone. You’re gone , the only person I ever really felt understood me , who I felt comfortable with, who I felt such a fierce passion for. You , a beautiful,  complicated mass of contradictions, to be with anyone else would feel like a betrayal. Just the thought of it disgusts me, yet I long to be held and comforted, how fucked up is that ?

I’ve got a banger of a migraine,  so for the moment at least I’ll sign off. I’ll talk to you soon. Love always bugger lugs 💔💙

Girl Almighty