Hey you, so my b’day today , it’s been just another day. I still miss you singing “Happy Birthday ” to me like you used to . It’s strange how sometimes it’s the really small things that hit the hardest. Of course it will be one of your milestone birthdays at the end of the month. You should be here to celebrate it.

I don’t know if it’s just me ,but as I get older birthdays make me think a lot about my life now. Earlier I was just sat outside thinking about you , thinking about Jude. Thinking about how life could have gone differently for me if I’d made different choices. While I was sitting there a white feather just gently drifted down beside me. I don’t go in for all that kind a thing , but even so for a split second it was a little comforting to believe it could be a sign that things could get a bit better. I know that’s daft.

Life still feels really hard. I know this sounds ridiculous but the other week when I went to see Teddy Swims , it was the calmest I’ve felt in ages. My anxiety wasn’t as intense. I’m going to see him again next year , I want that feeling of calm again. I suppose you have to take comfort wherever you find it.

I wear myself into the ground everyday in the hope that I’ll make myself tired enough to sleep. At the moment I’m only managing about three hours sleep a night, not good. I’ve  listened to your voice a few times over the weekend , I don’t know why I do it to myself because I only end up in floods of tears. Is it OK for me to still miss you this much , I think a lot of people think everything should be normal by now. What the fuck is normal ? I’d give anything to have one more hug from you, one more chat. Just to see your face in person. Missing you physically hurts and I hate lying in bed at night crying. There are still so many moments when it doesn’t feel real , you being gone. Moments where it feels like you’re still here, large as life you, with your charisma and handsome looks. Then reality hits and it breaks me all over again. I miss being in your arms , I long for that feeling of safety again.

So alone.

Goodnight Handsome Man

Love always

Girl Almighty